I often wonder why the human mind
is wired to make assumptions. If a man suddenly becomes rich, he is perceived
to have been in a shady business or worse still, thought to have stolen the
money. If you walk past an acquaintance who didn’t greet you, then it is perhaps
convenient to decide, to cease to greet such a fellow based on the assumption that
the acquaintance would not want to be friends with you. That girl at work who
smiles at every male colleague is soon perceived to be a flirt and the friendly
handsome young man who has many female friends is seen as a player.
Of all the scenarios above, there
are a hundred and one answers different from the assumed ones. The rich man may
have just won the lottery and the person who didn’t greet has a loved one in
the hospital and has too much to think about that he didn’t notice you. The
smiling girl is genetically wired to wear big smiles and that young man is just
a friendly person.
“Assumption is the lowest form of
knowledge,” says transformation strategist, Olakunle Soriyan. Since the
Advanced Learner’s Dictionary defines assumption “as a belief or feeling that
something is true or that something will happen, although there is no proof,”
then we can agree that assumption in itself is a form of knowledge that is not based on
fact and from which conclusions can be drawn.
The human mind is wired in such a
way that there is a need to understand everything and have answers to every
question so as to feel safe. This is why we make assumptions. Unfortunately, we
do not engage in communication so as to ask questions in order to satisfy our
hunger for answers but resort to drawing conclusions in our mind based on
flimsy and presumed views. These assumptions, more often than not cause pain,
grief and misunderstanding. Assumption is not ipso facto a bad thing, as there
are times when certain assumptions help to prevent pain and trouble.
Based on the results and effects
of various assumptions, they can be classified into two: healthy and unhealthy
assumptions. Healthy assumptions are those we make in order to psychologically
cushion a potential shock as a result of an unknown outcome. Like Billionaire
Warren Buffet once said, “I never attempt to make money on the stock market. I
buy on the assumption that they could close the market the next day and not
reopen it for five days.” Buffet was ranked as the world’s wealthiest person at
the age of 78 and he acquired a large portion of his wealth buying shares. You
will agree that that assumption of his is healthy; else he might have died as a
result of heart attack on any occasion of his major losses trading stocks.
Healthy assumptions could also be made to temporarily answer certain questions
we ask ourselves in such a way that the answers help to prevent conflict
and/or keep our mind at peace.
Unhealthy assumptions, on the
other hand, are those made towards people or situations where facts are
accessible but neglected and conclusions drawn from premises with no fact or
cue. Unhealthy assumptions are made fast and unconsciously and are usually in
agreement with our belief system such that they are taken to be true with
little or no doubt. These assumptions, for unexplainable reasons are accepted
and believed to be true by the person making them and they eventually lead to
emotional poison, trauma and misunderstanding; all because questions cannot be
asked about what is not understood.
For example, a woman is angry at
her husband because he didn’t get her a Valentine’s Day gift and begins to act
hostile towards him. She fails to tell him why she’s hostile because she assumes the
poor man knows. The husband who notices his wife’s hostility assumes she’s
angry because he had turned down her request to change their son’s school; and
because he doesn’t want the school changed, he fails to discuss the issue with
his wife. The marriage could spiral into a divorce. Why? They both made unhealthy assumptions without checking for facts.
We all have preconceptions about
every type of person we meet every day. These preconceptions, stereotypes and
prejudices of course, are based on what we have heard in the past, what we see
on TV and perhaps from experiences of close friends. While some of these
preconceptions may be true, you never know for sure they are true about someone
you haven’t related to. They are mere assumptions and they lead to generalisations. Examples of such
generalisations are ideas that “many attractive ladies are considered snobs” or
that “many handsome-looking men are players.” None of these statements is true.
We often see what we want to see
and hear what we want to hear. We don’t ask questions when in doubt and we
don’t perceive things the way they really are but the way we want them to be. As
Margaret George wrote, “we use our supposed ‘knowledge’ of others to speak on
their behalf, and condemn them for their words we ourselves put in their silent
mouths.” A friend once asked why I developed feelings for her even when I knew
she had a relationship with someone else. I didn’t have an answer to the
question because it wasn’t really a question. She was literally telling me I
had feelings for her even though I had never mentioned anything of such to her.
The truth is that we cannot stop
having preconceptions about others because that is how the mind works but we
can limit them and ensure they don’t stand in the way of building a healthy
relationship with others or cause us pain. We must consciously make ourselves
aware of the underlying danger of making assumptions and begin to form new
perceptions as to how everything is or should be. We must always give the
benefit of the doubt. Generally, you must not act on every feeling or thought
that runs through your mind because, in the end, you will not be accountable
for them whether good or evil; but you will be accountable for every action you
took with respect to those feelings or thoughts or assumptions.
In his book, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, Don
Miguel Ruiz wrote;
“One way to keep yourself from
making assumptions is to ask questions. Have the courage to ask questions until
you are clear as you can be and even then, do not assume you know all there is
to know about a given situation. Everybody has the right to tell you ‘no’ or
‘yes’ but you always have the right to ask; likewise, everybody has the right
to ask you and you have the right to say ‘yes’ or ‘no.’”
If we have good clear
communication, there would be little or no misunderstanding; no trauma, no war.
With less assumptions, we will be at peace with ourselves, with the people around us and the
environment at large.
