Assumption

I often wonder why the human mind is wired to make assumptions. If a man suddenly becomes rich, he is perceived to have been in a shady business or worse still, thought to have stolen the money. If you walk past an acquaintance who didn’t greet you, then it is perhaps convenient to decide, to cease to greet such a fellow based on the assumption that the acquaintance would not want to be friends with you. That girl at work who smiles at every male colleague is soon perceived to be a flirt and the friendly handsome young man who has many female friends is seen as a player.

Of all the scenarios above, there are a hundred and one answers different from the assumed ones. The rich man may have just won the lottery and the person who didn’t greet has a loved one in the hospital and has too much to think about that he didn’t notice you. The smiling girl is genetically wired to wear big smiles and that young man is just a friendly person.

“Assumption is the lowest form of knowledge,” says transformation strategist, Olakunle Soriyan. Since the Advanced Learner’s Dictionary defines assumption “as a belief or feeling that something is true or that something will happen, although there is no proof,” then we can agree that assumption in itself is a form of knowledge that is not based on fact and from which conclusions can be drawn.

The human mind is wired in such a way that there is a need to understand everything and have answers to every question so as to feel safe. This is why we make assumptions. Unfortunately, we do not engage in communication so as to ask questions in order to satisfy our hunger for answers but resort to drawing conclusions in our mind based on flimsy and presumed views. These assumptions, more often than not cause pain, grief and misunderstanding. Assumption is not ipso facto a bad thing, as there are times when certain assumptions help to prevent pain and trouble.

Based on the results and effects of various assumptions, they can be classified into two: healthy and unhealthy assumptions. Healthy assumptions are those we make in order to psychologically cushion a potential shock as a result of an unknown outcome. Like Billionaire Warren Buffet once said, “I never attempt to make money on the stock market. I buy on the assumption that they could close the market the next day and not reopen it for five days.” Buffet was ranked as the world’s wealthiest person at the age of 78 and he acquired a large portion of his wealth buying shares. You will agree that that assumption of his is healthy; else he might have died as a result of heart attack on any occasion of his major losses trading stocks. Healthy assumptions could also be made to temporarily answer certain questions we ask ourselves in such a way that the answers help to prevent conflict and/or keep our mind at peace.

Unhealthy assumptions, on the other hand, are those made towards people or situations where facts are accessible but neglected and conclusions drawn from premises with no fact or cue. Unhealthy assumptions are made fast and unconsciously and are usually in agreement with our belief system such that they are taken to be true with little or no doubt. These assumptions, for unexplainable reasons are accepted and believed to be true by the person making them and they eventually lead to emotional poison, trauma and misunderstanding; all because questions cannot be asked about what is not understood. 

For example, a woman is angry at her husband because he didn’t get her a Valentine’s Day gift and begins to act hostile towards him. She fails to tell him why she’s hostile because she assumes the poor man knows. The husband who notices his wife’s hostility assumes she’s angry because he had turned down her request to change their son’s school; and because he doesn’t want the school changed, he fails to discuss the issue with his wife. The marriage could spiral into a divorce. Why? They both made unhealthy assumptions without checking for facts.

We all have preconceptions about every type of person we meet every day. These preconceptions, stereotypes and prejudices of course, are based on what we have heard in the past, what we see on TV and perhaps from experiences of close friends. While some of these preconceptions may be true, you never know for sure they are true about someone you haven’t related to. They are mere assumptions and they lead to generalisations. Examples of such generalisations are ideas that “many attractive ladies are considered snobs” or that “many handsome-looking men are players.” None of these statements is true.

We often see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear. We don’t ask questions when in doubt and we don’t perceive things the way they really are but the way we want them to be. As Margaret George wrote, “we use our supposed ‘knowledge’ of others to speak on their behalf, and condemn them for their words we ourselves put in their silent mouths.” A friend once asked why I developed feelings for her even when I knew she had a relationship with someone else. I didn’t have an answer to the question because it wasn’t really a question. She was literally telling me I had feelings for her even though I had never mentioned anything of such to her.

The truth is that we cannot stop having preconceptions about others because that is how the mind works but we can limit them and ensure they don’t stand in the way of building a healthy relationship with others or cause us pain. We must consciously make ourselves aware of the underlying danger of making assumptions and begin to form new perceptions as to how everything is or should be. We must always give the benefit of the doubt. Generally, you must not act on every feeling or thought that runs through your mind because, in the end, you will not be accountable for them whether good or evil; but you will be accountable for every action you took with respect to those feelings or thoughts or assumptions.

In his book, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, Don Miguel Ruiz wrote; 

“One way to keep yourself from making assumptions is to ask questions. Have the courage to ask questions until you are clear as you can be and even then, do not assume you know all there is to know about a given situation. Everybody has the right to tell you ‘no’ or ‘yes’ but you always have the right to ask; likewise, everybody has the right to ask you and you have the right to say ‘yes’ or ‘no.’”

If we have good clear communication, there would be little or no misunderstanding; no trauma, no war. With less assumptions, we will be at peace with ourselves, with the people around us and the environment at large.